3.6%

According to the DoD, 3.6% was the military divorce rate in 2010.

3.6

I don't feel married anymore. I don't feel single, either.

3.6

I love my husband. I'm not sure it's enough.

3.6

I want it to be over. I'm not sure what 'it' I mean, though.

3.6

That Point

I've finally reached That Point. The point in the deployment when I realize that I can't remember something that I should know about Kent, because it's been so long since he was here.

132 days, this time. I can't remember how many scoops I use to make his coffee every morning because it's been 132 days since I made it.

Suspended Animation

The universe has chosen to remind me that life goes on all around me even though I feel as though I am stuck in a permanent holding pattern.

There is beauty in Jacksonville that I did not expect.

Happy Easter?

2d MLG Fwd posted pictures on FB today of the Marines "enjoying" their Easter. Luke did not recognize the picture of Kent. Then he asked me "is Daddy died?"

As bad as this deployment is for me, it will never be as awful as it is for the kids.

Time

We passed the two month mark last week. K told me the other day that time is going by quickly for him.  I can't say it's moving quickly for me. Time is moving so slowly that I'm genuinely surprised when I realize how long he has been gone. Time seems to move even more slowly when I realize how much longer he will be gone.

It's hard for me to find a way to approach "time" optimistically. We have 1/6 of the deployment behind us. I wish I could be happy about that, but the voice in  my head that says "There is still 5/6 left to go" is too loud for me to ignore. I'm terrified that we'll get to the halfway point and all I will feel is anger that we still have another 6 months to wait. I'm sure that's a self-fulfilling worry and I'm doing my best to try to change my mindset.

The Must Do List

Less than a month until we start The Year. So many things to be done. So few free days to do them in. It's always like this the closer we come to the actual date of deployment.

Paperwork to be done. Wills to be made. Gear to be purchased. Household chores to be completed. It's a never ending stream of "must do."

The real "must do" things always fall to the bottom of the list. Spend time with the kids. Take plenty of photographs. Make storytime videos for the kids.

The run up to a deployment always becomes "I wish we already had this thing underway" when it should be "I will savor the time he is here." So I'm turning the "must do" list upside down this time. I will not spend the next "less than a month" wishing K was already gone. I will spend the next "less than a month" making every moment count.

Escaping Reality

I can't. I've tried.

Deployment is looming. I've reached the point where I can no longer pretend that next year is far away or that it might just not happen at all. It's going to happen. It's going to be a year. It's going to be hard and it's going to try to break my spirit and my heart.

It won't. I will not let it.